How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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