i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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