I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize