I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
