I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
