Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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