And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
