I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i out mim tonsoeep
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