Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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