he told me I talked like a deaf person
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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