K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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