I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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