nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You were trust falling into bushes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
