my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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