Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
