Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
