DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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