Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
