The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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