I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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