If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
