Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We left an ass print on the piano.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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