i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
