Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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