they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
