I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
