I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
