A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
