Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
