ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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