my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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