She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
