his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
