Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
