I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
