he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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