Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dicks are not precious.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
