Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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