my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
