it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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