My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Shame - the story of my life.
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