I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
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It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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