I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
