do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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