It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
