You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
