He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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