Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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