i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
