i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
