just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was like his penis was on wheels.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
