i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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