Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues