do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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