Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
