it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
