My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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