I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
