Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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